don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
