Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
