Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
