you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
