maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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