yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
