yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
