The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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