I seem to have left my pride at pride
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
