I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My feet surprised me
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