Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There's even glitter on my cock...
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