ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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