at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
