I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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