I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
