Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
