I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
do herpes really smell.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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