all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
