Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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