Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
