go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
