are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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