I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
