Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
