i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
