i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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