I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
