i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
