hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
