I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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