i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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