We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
