U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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