Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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