i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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