i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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