i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
