Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
