If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I didn't notice because vodka
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Lo siento on account of my penis...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
