theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
