the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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