dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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