I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
