Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
