Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize