when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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