For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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