I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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