Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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