i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize