i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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