There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
