I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
