dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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