my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
