dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
