Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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